TLF: Goddamnit, Damon.
So he sends me this Word document, and it's a transcript of an Omegle conversation he had apparently just had after not sleeping all night. For those not in the know,
Omegle.com is a chat site that connects you anonymously with Strangers from anywhere in the world. Much like Chatroulette, if you're on the video portion of the site, or much like Chatroulette in text form if you're on the other half of it (same amount of penises looking for sex either way). I've used it once or twice to cure boredom, and Damon has managed to make a lasting friendship once or twice with how frequently he used to use it. Apparently, he has since gotten back in the habit of visiting it during some of his bouts of insomnia, and the following transcript (which, by the way, was totally worth the 7 AM call, as you'll soon see) documents one such episode during this past sleepless night, completely uncut and unfiltered. Be aware, the time taken between individual lines could be anywhere from nearly immediate to a couple of minutes, so try not to read it too quickly and straight through, as I incorrectly did the first time I looked through it. Enjoy:
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Official messages from Omegle will not be sent with the label 'Stranger:' Strangers claiming to represent Omegle are lying.
You: howdy
Stranger: hi
Stranger: m or f?
You: how are you, Stranger?
You: ah
You: do you mind if we let that arise more naturally in conversation?
You: if you're looking for sex, press onward and skip me
You: or be silent
You: I guess that works too
You: it's as if I'm writing a blog now, with how one-sided this is
You: I feel like I should be starting a rant of some kind. "what's the deal with... ?" type stuff
You: what do you think?
You: should I continue to tolerate your choice to ignore me completely?
You: or should I press that mighty-fine Disconnect button about now?
You: or will you do that for me?
You: I never was much good at finishing anything
You: I did need an extra quarter or two of school to finish my degree
You: now this is starting to feel like a Confessional
You: taking me back to my more Catholic days
You: I am sorry, Father, for I have sinned
You: it has been over 4 years since my last confession
You: actually, I'm not much sorry
You: my attitude towards the Church and towards the idea of 'sin' have both changed dramatically
You: so... yeah...
You: not sure where you wanna go from here, seeing as you won't find much penitence in this ol' heart
You: Father?
You: were you even listening!?
You: what kind of priest are you!?!?!?
You: do you not care for this prodigal sheep, intent on never returning to the fold???
You: apparently not
You: I failed the Church, and now the Church fails me
You: such is this dreary existence
You: "So it goes," as good Mr. V would say
You: (that was the sound of Faith dying)
You: not some person by the name of Faith, mind you
You: that would be tragic
You: especially since that's the name of my baby cousin
You: she's fine, I hope
You: I really do
You: I'm not so pessimistic and brooding and morbid
You: I do have that lighter side to me
You: I swears it
You: please believe me
You: PLEASE
You: that was your chance to Save me, Father
You: long gone and historical, by now
You: that was redundant
You: long gone vs historical
You: they're the same thing
You: silly me
You: just end it already
You: say something, anything, or disconnect
You: you can't be enjoying this spectacle of mine
You: if you are, you're genuinely quite sick, Father
You: I hate that you know I'm too neurotic to let things pass by silently
You: you win in this verbal staring-contest
You: you're judging me, aren't you?
You: getting ready to cast that first stone
You: cast away, then!
You: Mr. Hanks
You: with your bloody volleyball, Wilson
You: and your gross self-extracted tooth
You: that scene gets me every goddamn time
You: blasphemy intended
You: FATHER
You: is it time I start hitting below the proverbial belt?
You: did that talk of blood and pain get you riled up?
You: thinking about them boys you've 'touched'?
You: never me, though
You: was i not... bad enough?
You: but then I'd think the prudishness would have been a draw for you
You: even more innocence for you to corrupt under the guise of Salvation
You: you just thought I was an ugly child, didn't you?
You: too short
You: with a silly-big head
You: goofy ears
You: and an overbite to rival the most racist of anti-japanese propaganda films of the 40s
You: have the japanese not suffered enough?
You: they bomb one naval base and pillage and rape a few Asian countries
You: and we intern innocent Japanese-Americans
You: drop not one, but two atomic bombs
You: only after months of devastating fire bombing
You: just to have you get hit by a devastating tsunami and for us to label it "payback for Pearl Harbor"?
You: disgusting
You: i dunno why i all-of-a-sudden cast you in the role of Japan at the end of that
You: kind of a weird shift
You: that literally changed from 'them' to 'you'
You: Freudian slip of some sort?
You: do I see you as having something in common with the plight of the Japanese?
You: are you really just a victim too, Father?
You: is that how you get me to champion the cause of allowing priests to marry?
You: what an incredibly roundabout way of doing so, man
You: the levels of implausibility involved are completely absurd
You: you'd have to be, well, God for that to have worked out
You: wait a minute...
You: is it You?
You: I guess it must be
You: kind of characteristic of You, after all
You: what with the lack of verbal reciprocation
You: spare me a moment whilst I pee, please
You: I'm sure you've got plenty of time, being omnicient and present throughout all eternity and all
You: back again
You: but you already know that, don't you?
You: so what happens if I disconnect, knowing what I know now?
You: do I perish?
You: even if this isn't You who I'm literally talking to on omegle
You: theoretically (and I'm sure You hate that qualifier), You see this anyway
You: and will understand the implications of my actions
You: will Thou smiteth me?
You: I mean, I was blasphemous just a short time ago, so I didn't really start on too good a foot
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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DAMON'S NOTE: I cannot stress enough that this all really happened and appears exactly as it was typed. Whoever I was talking to definitely saw all of this and consciously disconnected when they did.
Great stuff, Damon. The timing of the disconnect couldn't have been more perfect. As I've said
before, I actually do talk regularly with the Big Man, and He confirms that it was indeed Him that you were talking to (talking at, really). I guess He entertains himself on Omegle every once in a while, too, just to mess with people. He said that in your case, eventually, He just got bored. Go figure. Now let me get back to sleep, jerk.