Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Mask Slips

Here begins the newest, most amazing musing from The Loudest Fan. Bow appropriately:

^^^ Not true, from here on out (yet another double-preposition phrase for that Dr. Boring fellow...). For this post, I'm just gonna be me. I want everyone to be clear that The Loudest Fan is a persona, and does not accurately reflect my personal views and beliefs. Nothing in this blog is true. This entire persona is meant to be a satire of all I find wrong in this world, and it draws upon gross exaggerations of personality defects I happen to detest. It saddens me to no end how many people seem to be completely missing the point. So now, let's take a moment to get to know the real, much more decent me.

Name: Daemin Cellars

Age: 21

Height: 5' 7"

Hometown: Temecula, CA

Religion: LDS

Political views: Conservative (Tea Party, whoop whoop!)

School: 4th year at the University of Southern Californa

Major: Political Science

This whole blogging adventure has been a fun exercise, but I have to admit, I've had some strong qualms about some of my own blaspheming. Most glaring, I once actually tried to defend the moral vacuum that is gay marriage. I wish people would pick up on the elements of satire in that post, but it seems like I really just managed to defend it outright, and that that's the impression that was left upon my readers (many of which are newfound followers, who won't have known the real me until now), which is NOT OK. The last thing I want is for a gay to start hitting on me or touching me because I seemed sympathetic to its plight. And plight it is. It struggles against the Will of God and against Human Decency to live through its hedonistic life choices. Its practices of sodomy and of premature cohabitation and of idolatry (fashion = new god?) have overrun our media and have even managed to help bring about what very well could prove to be the Antichrist--666 emblazoned on his skull and all--Mr. "President"... but I'll save THAT debate for another post (it just makes sense, what with all the violence inherent to Muslimism and all the Godlessness and inhumanity at the base of Socialism).

So, with the proverbial nail driven firmly into the coffin of that debate, let's move on further to newer, more exciting territory.

I want to use my new position as Preacher to the World of the Internet (a.k.a. Blogger) to get the murmurs going on a new potential for real social change. I have a really original and great idea that will help use the mighty force of American Capitalism to end poverty and feed the hungry, as God wishes us to do. Let me show you what I can humbly say will make me a national hero:

Out of all industries dedicated to triviality and waste, which is the worst? Is it entertainment, with all its tendencies towards brainwashing and misinformation? Or how about the seedy sex industry, which does nothing but promote blasphemy and destroy families? No. By far, the most wasteful industry is one almost every one of us has in some way supported needlessly. I'm speaking, of course, about the pet industry.

Let's get to the point. Each year, billions of pounds of food are rationed for pets, only to be consumed by organisms that do absolutely nothing to contribute to the betterment of Church and society. God created man to be the master of all beasts, and yet so many of our brothers and sisters in the world allow simple creatures to exercise control, demanding food and care in exchange for a farce of a relationship greatly outperformed by children and spouses and friends. Just imagine how much more time and money can be spent for and with your fellow man if little Whiskers didn't need more food & litter to come straight from your wallet.

Next, imagine the surplus of supply that would be created by the loss of the pet food industry! We'd be swimming in even more beef and pork and fish and corn than ever before! These lower-grade foodstuffs could then be diverted into the human food industry, supplying the cheapest outlets, allowing the better-grade foods a chance to reach a cheaper equilibrium. More people will be fed for much less money, and higher-quality food will inevitably be more accessible by virtue of none of it going towards lower-standard food, like fast food and school lunches, which the newly-diverted supply would more than fill, and then some.

On top of that, no money will be spent on pet care per family. That, coupled with the lower cost of food, will encourage spending in other industries, bringing about an economic surge that will be advantageous to all. Jobs will be created as consumers save, and then spend, so much. Children's toys and other manufactured industries will also see an increase in supply of cheap plastic and rubber without any waste going towards pet toys. Space for new frontier businesses will open up from all the vacated pet stores and animal shelters. Health supply will increase from the closing of most veterinary practices, with only small portions of it going towards what little animal care remains with zoos and such (though, do we even need those?).

On top of that, we will have introduced a new potential resource: a surplus of cats and dogs and rodents and birds and fish to be used by the whims of Capitalism. More available animal research! An even greater food source with the introduction of dogmeat (most all pets exist as delicacies in other cultures throughout the world as we speak, so a greater sense of global community, too!)! More fabric supply due to the greater availability of furs! More easily-renewable menial labor potential that comes without wasteful needs for wages nor workplace regulations! The opportunities are literally limitless! The free market will lead the way!

I feel I'm rambling too much at this point. I just get really excited by such boundless horizons, and I get so eager to share them with my brethren. I'm anxious to see how many people can bring themselves to see the Light and can help me bring about real, promise-ridden Change.

At the very least, you all now know the true origins of The Loudest Fan, and can see him in the light in which I always intended him to be viewed. He'll still be the primary voice of this space after all this, but I've let you see the voicebox tonight. And with that, a humbled Daemin bows out.


  1. My god you have a lot on your mind!
    I don't want to see little cat's getting turned into sausages though!

  2. i hate pets with a passion. This sounds all good to me

  3. I don't know if this is satire or not (even though you state it is you), but I sure hope it is, cause I do not agree with you. But, hey, that's the internet and everyone has the right to their opinion.

  4. If life means being without pets, then I don't wanna live.

  5. no man, if you have good friends, wife, what is the point of pets?

  6. Am I the only one who thinks this is hilarious?

  7. No Anonymous, your not the only one...

  8. Well, uhh nice to meet the real you then!


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