Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Get over your prepubescent self

Here begins the newest, most amazing musing from The Loudest Fan. Bow appropriately:

I am a university student with an age befitting such a place in life. While I have not experienced even half of half of my expected life (173 years of pure awesome), I believe it's safe to say that I am an unerring authority on life itself.

Thus, meet one of my many annoyances: people who hype their middle school years. Now, I'm not talking about people who are proud of one or two accomplishments during these few years of life. What I am talking about are those who share more life stories from that time than any other. It simply makes no sense.

Middle school is childhood's middle child (the least-appreciated, though not under-appreciated, child of every family). It replaces the cuteness of elementary school ignorance with wannabe high school awkwardness, and it replaces high school's journey of social- and self-discovery with even more youthful meaninglessness. The worst of both worlds.

What must possess somebody to hype this insignificant period of schooling more than any other? Answer: lack of brain and/or personality. Every personal statement involving an event or accomplishment from that time must be succeeded by, "Oh, but that was back in middle school, so we all know that it therefore doesn't count for shit, really."

So, next time you think about telling some anecdote from your bitch-years, consider spacing it out at least a year or two from telling some other story from that time. Mentioning middle school two or more separate times in the same day, let alone in the same conversation, is unacceptable, and should be punishable by time (minimum 60 years) spent in some new, groundbreaking prison for the incurably pathetic.

Now, if you have the genuine misfortune of being such an individual who consistently perpetrates this kind of speaking, follow these 3 simple steps:

1. Every morning when you wake up, and every night before you go to sleep, spend 20 minutes looking yourself in the eye in the mirror, chanting, "NOBODY CARES" repeatedly the entire time.

2. Don't talk to people. Trust me, the awkwardness of being "The Quiet, Uncontributing One" is much better than being clinically pathetic.

3. Pretend as if the other parts of your life, especially WHERE AND WHEN YOU ARE NOW, are interesting. MAKE UP new backstory! Watch various movies and television programs dealing with these other times as research.

Isn't it odd that there are no series or movies devoted to middle school years that aren't solely marketed to the unfortunate kids who are currently experiencing that time? NO, IT'S NOT ODD. Programming for everyone else has run the gamut of subject matter from high school life to geriatric life, as well as younger childhood, and justifiably so. Every time in every person's life is better than middle school. Without exception.

You're welcome.

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